Vegetarian, Vegan, and Animal Rights Jokes
A joke page by and for vegetarians.
Lightbulbs, Chickens, and a Parrot
How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know, but where do you get your protein!?
How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.
How many vivisectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they don't want you to see what they are doing.
How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, vegans can't change anything.
How many meat eaters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they would rather stay in the dark about things.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because Colonel Sanders was chasing him.
Why did the vegetarian cross the road?
Because she was protesting for the chicken, MAN! (Pump fist in air for
[This one did make me chuckle for some reason.]
did the tofu cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.
A man had a parrot that could talk. Unfortunately, it swore a lot.
In an effort to get the parrot to be quiet, he put him in a cupboard.
parrot continued swearing and after a while the man decided to put the
bird in the freezer. After that, the parrot started swearing even more.
After a few minutes, he suddenly became quiet. The man opened up the
and the parrot said, "I'm sorry, sir, it will never happen again." As
man took the bird out of the freezer he wondered what the difference
between the cupboard and the freezer. Just then, the parrot said, "So,
what'd the chicken do?"
On Being Vegan
Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
It hasn't been tested on mice.
What do you call a militant vegan?
the best way to keep milk fresh?
Leave it in the cow.
Why don't yogis eat chickens?
They have eggs in them!
What do you call a vegetarian who goes back to eating meat?
Someone who lost their veg-inity!
Meat-eater: Did you hear about the new study saying vegans are more
likely to go blind? I guess it's because you don't get the proper
Vegan: Nah, it's just from reading all of those tiny ingredients lists.
I'm not vegetarian because I love animals, I'm vegetarian because I
don't like vegetables.
Linda: Do you know what veganism is?
Jeff: No, tell me.
Linda: It means no eggs and no milk!
Jeff: Hmm, but how do you bread your steak?
Kent: Tell me, how do you spice your veggie-burgers?
Linda: I don't know, but the main thing is that it mustn't taste good!
We have to stop meating like this.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I don't know about these people who call themselves vegetarians but eat
dairy. I mean, I've heard of eggplants, but there no such thing as a
What about milkweed?
Isn't it wierd that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows?
How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say,
"Oh, man, I can't
wait till them calves are done so I can get me a
hit of that stuff."
A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce
out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose.
He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.
The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating
(paraphrased from a very old "Reader's Digest")
A couple heard that their vegetarian son was coming home from
university for Thanksgiving.
"Kill the fatted zucchini, Martha! Our prodigal son is
On Eating People
A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous sound of a
lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy
goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion." And
then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion
praying too: "Oh Lord," he
prayed, "We thank Thee for the food which we are about to receive."
What does a vegan zombie eat?
I follow a strict vegan diet. I eat only vegans.
Do you serve vegans here?
Of course, how would you like them cooked?
(This actually happened when my dad called a restaurant.)
Two chums were talking at a ballgame and one offered to buy the other a
"No thanks," came the answer. "I'm a vegetarian. I mean, I'll eat a
little white meat, but..."
"Oh, I understand. Hey, I'm no cannibal. I mean, I'll eat a few white
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
9 out of 10 cannibals agree--vegetarians taste better!
A vegetarian, a meat-eater, and a cannibal walk into a bar, the veg'
orders a salad, the other orders a burger, than the bartender asks the
cannibal "anything for you?", so he replies, "no thanks, i'll wait till
people "Hey, Mr. Monster! Why do you eat people?"
(Of course, Frankenstein's monster who appears at the end wouldn't eat people since he's vegetarian.)
- Restaurants Beef Up Vegetarian Menus (Wall Street Journal
- Will McDonald's Beef Up Menu with Veggie Burger? (Boston
Globe, 98.10.6, D1)
- Beans Beef Up Vegetarian Meal (Boston Herald 94.2.9, p.57)
- Strictly Vegetarian Trader Brings Home the Bacon (Los
Angeles Times 88.8.21, p. 2)
- I could go on, but I won't.
A vivisector is having a nightmare: lying on a cold steel table, he's
going numb as a giant rat approaches with a large knife.
The rat says, "We are going to need those kidneys, my friend."
"Wait!" shouts the vivisector. "I understand that I'm going to die, but
just tell me, is it for the good of humanity?"
"Something like that," the rat tells him with a smirk. "It's for the
good of two manatees."
Fart jokes--be warned
Why does the vegan never get any play?
Because she/he has really bad gas.
Why do vegans wear snow camo?
So they don't get busted hijacking the Soy Delicious ice cream delivery
How was the vegan busted hijacking the Soy Delicious delivery
The FBI traced noxious fumes from the scene of the crime.
Why are vegans detrimental to the earth?
Because they produce immense amounts of methane.
Every so often (usually when I have something important I
should be doing) I take the time to browse through the logs of my
site--it is interesting to see what brings people here. Here's one I
thought I'd share: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=fart+a+lot+when+I+drink+soy+milk.
I made it a link for you because if you're like me, you'll feel the
urge to try this search for yourself (although it's not very exciting).
I vent a rage.
A great vein
Rage via 'net
Eat in grave.
A vegan rite
I avenge rats
Vegans are it!
Eat vegan sir.
Vegetarianism = Meat? I Vegan, sir.
Roast beef = eat for BSE
McDonalds' Restaurants = Uncle Sam's standard rot
The Blocked Vegetarian Perspective
How many vegetables had to die for your stupid salad??
How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow?
One if nobody's looking.
I was adding milk to my coffee when a vegan colleague said, "Do you
know that milk belongs to a calf?"
If it hadn't have been first day at work, I'd have replied, "Relax, I
already ate that calf for lunch."
I once saw on a bumper sticker that read, "I love animals. They taste
If animals aren't supposed to be eaten, then why are they made out of
If humans aren't supposed to be eaten, then why are
they made out of meat?
My brother is a lacto-ovo-pesco-pollo-carne-vegetarian.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
A husband and wife were sitting around talking about their hard day
at work and the wife was complaining that she needed to be more
to get anywhere, etc. when her husband told her, "You know what the
is don't you? It's a dog eat dog world out there, and you're
Cows or cats would eat us too if they had a chance. Do not mistake a
cat's respect for one that is dominate for love, they are killers plain
and simple and if you do not believe me ask their friends the birds.
Vegans Who Can't Take a Joke
Why can't you make carnivore jokes and leaves us alone!!!!
yeh right i am a vegetarian and this site is a load of
bollocks! u people suck that bumper sticker that sed 'save a cow, eat a
vegetarian' woz gay!!!!! [thanks for being homophobic, too] i hate u
people u cant accept peoples beliefs!!!!go 2 hell!!! lotz of love and
you say vegetarians are blah blah blah! we can't help that we
made the smarter choice while you stuff your face and hopefully die a
slow and painful death. the more and more you talk the faster you'll
die. this however is for anyone who's been talkin' junk! I'll see you
all in HELL! [um, doesn't that imply that you'll be there
i just want to say that all your jokes are f**ckin lame. go
get a hobby, please! there is nothing funny about joking about eating
the flesh of a slaughtered animal. you people make me sick. i hope you
choke on your own words. meat is murder. A.L.F bitch and you best be
believing f**kface! [and people wonder why I don't think the A.L.F. is non-violent]
This is really stupid. stop making shit out of people with
You have the WORST f**king jokes on your shitty website. THEY
ARE SO GODDAMN STUPID!
What is so wrong with people that want animal rights? You need
to get a life...
F**k you guys. It's not that controversial of an issue. Some
people like eating carcass, while on the other hand, some don't. get
I think you idiots dont know what y'all are talking about... I
am a vegetarian and I didn't find any of these jokes funny! The real
joke is is that someone let y'all come and humiliate yourselves. The
joke is on y'all!
wtf what is the matter with you. is there some perverse humor
in making fun of other people's beliefs? If i decide i want to better
my health and like that's my own f***ing choice and i should be able to
live with it myself without others making fun of it.
XOXO PETA_4_LIFE!!!!!!!! [I think this speaks volumes about PETA
How many carnivores does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, if they can even turn away from making horrible inhumane jokes
about something they no little or none about, offending millions who
actually do know what's happening in this world.
More veggie jokes
If your looking for more fun, check out my Vegetarian Cartoon Page.
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