Vegetarian, Vegan, and Animal Rights Jokes

A joke page by and for vegetarians.

Lightbulbs, Chickens, and a Parrot

Seen on a vegan mailing list

How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know, but where do you get your protein!?

Bob C.

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

My friend Michael thought this one up

How many vivisectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they don't want you to see what they are doing.

C.P.M, told by an omnivore friend with intent to anger

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, vegans can't change anything.

Bianca & Jade

How many meat eaters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they would rather stay in the dark about things.

Amanda

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because Colonel Sanders was chasing him.

Schneiders

Why did the vegetarian cross the road?
Because she was protesting for the chicken, MAN! (Pump fist in air for emphasis)
[This one did make me chuckle for some reason.]

Rhi

Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.

The parrot joke

A man had a parrot that could talk. Unfortunately, it swore a lot. In an effort to get the parrot to be quiet, he put him in a cupboard. The parrot continued swearing and after a while the man decided to put the bird in the freezer. After that, the parrot started swearing even more. After a few minutes, he suddenly became quiet. The man opened up the freezer and the parrot said, "I'm sorry, sir, it will never happen again." As the man took the bird out of the freezer he wondered what the difference was between the cupboard and the freezer. Just then, the parrot said, "So, uh, what'd the chicken do?"

On Being Vegan

Inspired by Paul WS

Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
It hasn't been tested on mice.

Pat

What do you call a militant vegan?
Lactose intolerant.

Michael Cant

What's the best way to keep milk fresh?
Leave it in the cow.

Dada Unmantrananda

Why don't yogis eat chickens?
They have eggs in them!

Colleen's roomate at school made this joke up herself

What do you call a vegetarian who goes back to eating meat?
Someone who lost their veg-inity!

Inspired by Wastel

Meat-eater: Did you hear about the new study saying vegans are more likely to go blind? I guess it's because you don't get the proper nutrition.
Vegan: Nah, it's just from reading all of those tiny ingredients lists.

Nina

I'm not vegetarian because I love animals, I'm vegetarian because I don't like vegetables.

H.Ko.

Linda: Do you know what veganism is?
Jeff: No, tell me.
Linda: It means no eggs and no milk!
Jeff: Hmm, but how do you bread your steak?

H.Ko.

Kent: Tell me, how do you spice your veggie-burgers?
Linda: I don't know, but the main thing is that it mustn't taste good!

What did one vegetarian spy say to the other vegetarian spy?

We have to stop meating like this.

Scott

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

vegemike

I don't know about these people who call themselves vegetarians but eat eggs and dairy. I mean, I've heard of eggplants, but there no such thing as a cheesetree.

Tom responds:

What about milkweed?

A Seinfeldism pointed out by Peter B.

Isn't it wierd that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff."

Melanie

A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose.
He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.
The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."

Jules

(paraphrased from a very old "Reader's Digest")
A couple heard that their vegetarian son was coming home from university for Thanksgiving.
"Kill the fatted zucchini, Martha!  Our prodigal son is returning."

On Eating People

Cleveland Amory

A missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous sound of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion." And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "We thank Thee for the food which we are about to receive."

jaxin

What does a vegan zombie eat?
GggrrrrRRAAAIIIiiinnNNnnsSs!

Seen on a message board

I follow a strict vegan diet. I eat only vegans.

Amy W. {New!}

Do you serve vegans here?
Of course, how would you like them cooked? (This actually happened when my dad called a restaurant.)

A bumper sticker

Save a Cow, Eat a Vegetarian

Etan W.

Two chums were talking at a ballgame and one offered to buy the other a hotdog.
"No thanks," came the answer. "I'm a vegetarian. I mean, I'll eat a little white meat, but..."
"Oh, I understand. Hey, I'm no cannibal. I mean, I'll eat a few white people, but..."

Heard from Travis (who heard it from his astronomy teacher)

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

A bumper sticker

9 out of 10 cannibals agree--vegetarians taste better!

Yaron Livne from Israel

A vegetarian, a meat-eater, and a cannibal walk into a bar, the veg' orders a salad, the other orders a burger, than the bartender asks the cannibal "anything for you?", so he replies, "no thanks, i'll wait till they're done."

A cartoon, not a joke, but this will grow on you

I eat people "Hey, Mr. Monster! Why do you eat people?"
(Of course, Frankenstein's monster who appears at the end wouldn't eat people since he's vegetarian.)

Terrible Headlines

Very Punny

Etan W.

A vivisector is having a nightmare: lying on a cold steel table, he's going numb as a giant rat approaches with a large knife.
The rat says, "We are going to need those kidneys, my friend."
"Wait!" shouts the vivisector. "I understand that I'm going to die, but just tell me, is it for the good of humanity?"
"Something like that," the rat tells him with a smirk. "It's for the good of two manatees."

Fart jokes--be warned

All courtesy of Sarah and Tamara

Why does the vegan never get any play?
Because she/he has really bad gas.

Why do vegans wear snow camo?

So they don't get busted hijacking the Soy Delicious ice cream delivery truck.

How was the vegan busted hijacking the Soy Delicious delivery truck?

The FBI traced noxious fumes from the scene of the crime.

Why are vegans detrimental to the earth?

Because they produce immense amounts of methane.

Every so often (usually when I have something important I should be doing) I take the time to browse through the logs of my site--it is interesting to see what brings people here. Here's one I thought I'd share: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=fart+a+lot+when+I+drink+soy+milk. I made it a link for you because if you're like me, you'll feel the urge to try this search for yourself (although it's not very exciting).

Anagrams

I used a fellow vegan's anagram server to come up with these.

Vegetarian
I vent a rage.
A great vein
Eat vinegar.
Rage via 'net
Eat in grave.
A vegan rite
Irate vegan

Vegetarians =

Vegan satire
I avenge rats
Vegans are it!
Eat vegan sir.

Some more from Will {New!}

Vegetarianism = Meat? I Vegan, sir.
Roast beef = eat for BSE
McDonalds' Restaurants = Uncle Sam's standard rot

The Blocked Vegetarian Perspective

Andrea saw this on a t-shirt

How many vegetables had to die for your stupid salad??

MikeY

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow?
One if nobody's looking.

Prashant A.

I was adding milk to my coffee when a vegan colleague said, "Do you know that milk belongs to a calf?"
If it hadn't have been first day at work, I'd have replied, "Relax, I already ate that calf for lunch."

Justin

I once saw on a bumper sticker that read, "I love animals. They taste so good."

Karen, Told by her husband and many others.

If animals aren't supposed to be eaten, then why are they made out of meat?

Julia's response

If humans aren't supposed to be eaten, then why are they made out of meat?

Joanna

My brother is a lacto-ovo-pesco-pollo-carne-vegetarian.

A bumper sticker

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

Karen, Paraphrased from a true story in Reader's Digest.

A husband and wife were sitting around talking about their hard day at work and the wife was complaining that she needed to be more assertive to get anywhere, etc. when her husband told her, "You know what the problem is don't you?  It's a dog eat dog world out there, and you're a vegetarian!"

Not a joke, but an amusing response to this page from Tes

Cows or cats would eat us too if they had a chance. Do not mistake a cat's respect for one that is dominate for love, they are killers plain and simple and if you do not believe me ask their friends the birds.

Vegans Who Can't Take a Joke

A selection of some of the responses (all separate despite their commonalities) from angry vegans who didn't get that this was a vegan-run page. Funnier than the jokes themselves.

Why can't you make carnivore jokes and leaves us alone!!!!

yeh right i am a vegetarian and this site is a load of bollocks! u people suck that bumper sticker that sed 'save a cow, eat a vegetarian' woz gay!!!!! [thanks for being homophobic, too] i hate u people u cant accept peoples beliefs!!!!go 2 hell!!! lotz of love and kisses salxxx

you say vegetarians are blah blah blah! we can't help that we made the smarter choice while you stuff your face and hopefully die a slow and painful death. the more and more you talk the faster you'll die. this however is for anyone who's been talkin' junk! I'll see you all in HELL! [um, doesn't that imply that you'll be there too?]

i just want to say that all your jokes are f**ckin lame. go get a hobby, please! there is nothing funny about joking about eating the flesh of a slaughtered animal. you people make me sick. i hope you choke on your own words. meat is murder. A.L.F bitch and you best be believing f**kface! [and people wonder why I don't think the A.L.F. is non-violent]

This is really stupid. stop making shit out of people with hearts

You have the WORST f**king jokes on your shitty website. THEY ARE SO GODDAMN STUPID!

What is so wrong with people that want animal rights? You need to get a life...

F**k you guys. It's not that controversial of an issue. Some people like eating carcass, while on the other hand, some don't. get over it.

I think you idiots dont know what y'all are talking about... I am a vegetarian and I didn't find any of these jokes funny! The real joke is is that someone let y'all come and humiliate yourselves. The joke is on y'all!

wtf what is the matter with you. is there some perverse humor in making fun of other people's beliefs? If i decide i want to better my health and like that's my own f***ing choice and i should be able to live with it myself without others making fun of it.
XOXO PETA_4_LIFE!!!!!!!! [I think this speaks volumes about PETA supporters.]

How many carnivores does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, if they can even turn away from making horrible inhumane jokes about something they no little or none about, offending millions who actually do know what's happening in this world.

More veggie jokes

More humor

If your looking for more fun, check out my Vegetarian Cartoon Page.

Got a joke? (Or a comment?)

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